100% Preventable, My Ass

On Tuesday, My Psychology of Crisis teacher began our lecture on Suicide.  There was a slide up for quite a while that said "Suicide is 100% Preventable."  Ten minutes after class I was standing on the curb sobbing into my friends shoulder.  I couldn't help thinking that if my dad had had access to the sort of crisis prevention plans she was referencing, he might still be alive.  I also couldn't help thinking that suicide can be 0% preventable if the person in question doesn't want to live.  At some point, the issue is just out of our hands - it is hard to accept, but that is what I am trying to do in my own life.  This lecture was obviously not meant for the grief and healing process of family members "left behind."  And that is ok, I know my teacher did not mean to place blame.  At the same time, I do realize that there is so much to be learned and so much to be done to help those struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.  That is really what I am hoping positive psychology will help me discover.

At the end of the day, I firmly believe that living is an individual choice that everyone has the right to choose (or not choose) for themselves...my goal is to help everyone see and find more beauty and meaning in their lives so (in the most severe cases) they do not resort to suicide as an option.  I feel this so strongly that it is almost calling me, pulling me to action.

Sometimes, the raw edges around the wound in my heart seem to catch and I feel a searing pain or, at times, a dull ache.  At moments like this, I am comforted by the idea that my life is no longer my own, but destined for the greater purpose of helping others...

Sharing

On thursday, I left for a short study tour to western Denmark with my Core class.  It's hard to choose which activities were most memorable.  The entire trip was a 3-day condensed bonding and learning experience.  We had two speakers a day for 2-3 hours each explaining how they apply positive psychology in their specific field.  At the very end of the trip, we visited an alternative business school called Kaos Pilots (KP for short).   After lighting candles in the middle of our circle of chairs, our speaker lead us through a number of personal goal setting and team building exercises.  It sounds kind of corny, but the atmosphere was warm and inviting and felt like such a safe place to share.  She introduced a special "check in" activity to us where everyone can share things that are on their mind and might be distracting them or that they just need the group to understand in order to better interact with them. I can see this an an important step in a business setting although it very rarely happens.  So rare in fact, that I knew I had to take this opportunity to share my Dad's story.  Evan asked me later why I felt compelled to share and I honestly didn't have an answer - but once I thought about going through with it I knew there was no backing out.  What happened was kind of an amazing thing, I simply told my class that my dad had killed himself this summer. I asked them before hand to just listen and feel no need to comment.  I think hearing about dad's story helped our group be vulnerable together and brought us closer.  A couple people have reached out to me to tell me something along those lines.  I don't really know what possessed me, it was nerve racking before sharing but after it was over, the burden felt lighter - almost like every time I talk about it, it gets easier to digest.  But I didn't do it to "lighten my burden" I think I did it because it was the truth and it was worth sharing.

Tak for Familie!

All I can say is THANK YOU Mom and Dad for teaching me how to ride a bike.  I am forever in debt for the countless hours it must have taken, finagling and encouraging.  I biked to my practicum for the first time yesterday and I can’t tell you how empowering and energizing it was to use my own legs to propel myself to my destination.  Walking is wonderful too but this is so much faster and a realistic alternative to a car! I had one of those experiences where you wonder how you could have gone so long without living your life this way.  I might wait a while before taking my bike the whole way to school (45 minute bike ride) but once the weather warms up a little bit, I am so excited to try it.  I’m still not playing soccer so this is a nice way to weave a little exercise into my day.  I also just acquired a helmet from my host family so that makes me feel a lot more comfortable branching farther out with my biking excursions.

In terms of soccer, I am very excited to see some Denmark professional league games while I’m here.  Their season starts in March so I am looking forward to that.  It is my hope that I will be back on the turf by then too.  There is a DIS club team that I can play on and my host brother and Dad are very competitive as well.  I am definitely planning on easing myself back into it slowly…My host dad Jesper and I have agreed to a 1v1 play-off later in the spring where the loser pays for dinner.  He is extremely competitive (but also old!) so I am hopeful that I have a chance.  At the very least it will be great motivation to get back on the turf…not that I need any!! All I want to do is be back out there.  In the mean time, I am making the most of the free time I have by exploring the city on foot with friends.  Not a rigorous workout, but very enjoyable.   Some of the conversations I have walking randomly through the city are some of the most memorable moments I have had so far.

Last Sunday, we had an amazing brunch for Andreas’ 14^th birthday.  It was so nice to meet Jespers’ brother Lars and his husband of five years.  I also got to meet Karina’s mother and spend more time with their close family friends.  The food was so good, although I probably would have been able to appreciate it more if I hadn’t been sick. After a couple rounds of leftovers, coffee, wine, and shots of hard alcohol (at one in the afternoon) I took some time to do homework and the kids ran off to play.  The adults proceeded to spend the entire afternoon chatting.  I came and went – vacillating between fascination at listening to conversations in another language and taking breaks to read up on interesting positive psychology studies.  It was such a cozy way to spend the afternoon and I felt like I got such a good look into a Danish birthday tradition.  I can't tell you how lucky I feel to be living with this family.  I feel so included in everything they do.  I feel especially close to Jesper for his sarcastic sense of humor and honesty. I have been able to talk openly with both Karina and Jesper and I really feel like they are a great support system for me right now.  I don't know what I was expecting exactly, but I certainly got more than I ever bargained for.

Nightlife

The Danish party scene is ridiculous.  It is weird seeing everyone shamelessly walking around with cans of beer and bottles of vodka even as the "politi" police cars drive by in the city. It is also weird standing in line for a club next to a sixteen year old girl even though the drinking age has just been changed to 18 in Denmark (at least she looked 16). But the best part is that Danes LOVE old american pop music! We were rocking out to throwback Justin Timberlake, Usher, and Nelly Furtado all night and it was fantastic.  It was like a little piece of home and my childhood in a foreign land. I had my first real night out last night and all I can say is it is eye-opening to see this weekend routine that is so normal to the Danes.  The dance bars don't get going until 11 or 12 and it is not uncommon for people to stay out as late as 5 in the morning.  Then, everyone rides the train back together drunk, sleepy and quiet.  It will definitely take some getting used to.  I myself left at 2:30 with some girlfriends to catch the next train back to Stengarden so I could be in bed at roughly 3 in the morning.  I didn't drink very much because drinks are expensive at these bars but I had so much fun with the girls I went out with.   I have actually been having more fun hanging out with girls so far than boys and I am absolutely fine with that.  I danced with a couple Danish guys and I was impressed with both their dance skill and their respect on the dance floor...instead of coming up behind me they held my hands and looked me in the eyes.  It was a very nice change!

Hannah is probably the person I have become closest to so far.  I actually sat next to her on the plane from Zurich to Copenhagen and she just happens to live one train stop away from me.  Hannah has a very calm presence and a beautiful smile. In this first hectic week of never-ending orientations and confusing bus routes, talking with her has helped me cope when I begin to feel overwhelmed.  It is not so much what she says but how she says it and I am very glad to have met her! Hopefully I can have the same effect for her :)  I was lucky enough to invite her over to dinner friday night because Hannah lives with a danish student and we didn't want her to miss out on the Danish family experience.  We had an amazing curry chicken dish over rice with an assortment of toppings ranging from corn, cucumber, bell pepper, salted nuts, coconut, banana, mango, pineapple and mango chutney. Mmmm :) It is called  Ris Taffel and it may be one of my favorite dishes ever.  The next morning for breakfast Karina (my host mom) made fresh rolls and we had them hot from the oven with traditional thin pieces of dark chocolate melting on top.  My mouth is watering just think about it.

For all the delicious food I'm eating I feel pretty fit because we walk everywhere.  Hopefully I will be biking as soon as my host Dad Jesper has a chance to fix one of the old family bikes for me.  Yesterday Abbie, Colleen, Lucy and I walked all the way to the famous little mermaid statue in Osterport.  I was freezing due in part to the wind chill factor by the harbor but we had an adventure. I was very proud of myself for taking charge of reading the map and actually navigating us successfully to the statue.  Big accomplishment!  Along with Hannah and another girl, Kirsten, these girls made up the group that I went out with later that night.  Abbie actually goes to UPS with me and is a super fun girl.  I'm looking forward to getting to know her better while we are here :)

Host Family, Adopt Me

So my host family is amazing.  My host brother and sister are very special children - amazingly independent and passionate. Andreas is 13 and loves speaking english.  Rebecca is 11 and slightly shy but around the dinner table, with a little help from parents to translate, the fully vibrancy of her personality comes through.  She has a great smile and is very creative.  I love coming home to this energetic family and all the hubbub of two children in grade school.  Today was my first day exploring the city and commuting on the S-tog train.  It took a lot of poring over maps in freezing snowy weather but, along with some new friends that are doing home-stays nearby, we figured it out.  Walking around copenhagen all day was amazing but I was so excited to get back to my warm and cozy house.  There is a concept of "hygge" here in Denmark that roughly translates to coziness and I definitely feel it in their home.  I expect that I will be spending a lot of time here just hanging out with the family or bringing a friend back for dinner... a dream come true for my homebody side.  Having meals at the house is practical too because things are very expensive in Copenhagen and eating at home and packing a lunch is a much better deal :)  I am loving it here so far.

There are almost a thousand students in DIS but I have been pretty reserved (for me) about meeting them all.  It just is not a top priority right now.  I am very excited about my classes to meet other psych students and about some of the girls in my area but I am not frantically trying to be friends with everyone. I think it will just come naturally and I am shockingly calm about the whole thing. I am going out for drinks with a couple girlfriends now and everything just feels very cozy and enjoyable.  I think I completely lucked out with my living situation because I am fully submerged in the Danish culture with a family that really likes to spend time together but also have a few wonderful ladies either walking distance from me or just a train stop away. I think this will turn out to be a really great balance.  I can't wait for classes to start on thursday so I can meet students in my classes and just start to get my schedule solidified.

FYI: I have a danish phone number now: +45 2394 4674 (so don't freak out if my US number is disconnected for a couple months.)  This is free (for me) if you want to call but there are also some awesome options like skype or a new messaging app called "whatsapp" that allows free international text messaging.  One awesome thing about my 20 minute s-tog commute is that there is free wi-fi the whole way! So that will come in very handy.

Misc. thoughts before leaving the country

This break has been an interesting one.  After taking a beautiful 27-hour train ride from Eugene to Los Angeles with Carol, spending a couple sunny and tumultuous weeks in San Diego and the last few days in New Jersey, I feel like I have been on a number of adventures already and I haven’t even left the states. 

Right now I am on the 4^th floor of Cousin Chris’ brownstone (or maybe brickstone because it’s made of bricks) in Jersey City, New Jersey.  It is so different than anything I am used to.  Each floor is a small rectangle with the kitchen on the first, living room on the second, bedrooms on the third and fourth and a basement below.  In the kitchen you feel close the hubbub of the street but climb the stairs a floor or two and you can escape above it.  In San Diego people just put a fence up around their house and line it with big trees but this works just as well.  It has been nice stopping off on the east coast to visit relatives before I head off to Denmark tonight.  Chris and Colleen are beautiful, loving parents and their son Finnian is an adorable fiery four year old.  He reminds me of my sister at that age, intelligent, creative, and slightly sinister.  It must have something to do with getting the mature attention of two parents as an only child.

Being around Finn makes me realize that being a good parent takes constant vigilance.  You have to set boundaries and make sure you respond to behavior in the same way so that the child feels secure.  Consistency is very important but just imagine how hard it is for a parent to work all day and come home to a tantrum and be expected to respond calmly and consistently.  Not only that, but getting parents on the same page can be hard too.  When one parent says no the other might say yes and I can only imagine what this does to a child. It doesn’t make me give up hope on raising children but it does make me fully appreciate the labor of love that it is.  It also makes me appreciate more fully what a wonderful father my Dad was.  He always made me feel loved and cared for even when he was upset with me.  That is a skill that I hope to hone.  It is only now, looking back that I appreciate how wonderful and “worth it” he made me feel.

 I think it is important for me to remember why I created this blog. I was dealing with the grief of my Dad’s death and I wanted an outlet for it. I had this blog on private because it wasn’t meant for the world. It was meant to keep a few close people clued into my life and it was meant for me. I think this is a good thing for me even if it is hard because writing is hard and I know that. Committing to at least one post a week will create a sense of obligation that will hopefully help me grow as a writer and allow me to continue to develop my own voice. I feel like a monkey sometimes when I sit down to write. It feels so self-indulgent and phony even though I try to be honest and even transcribe stuff directly from my journal so I can’t back out of saying what I really mean. I feel this way about art a lot, like there is no way to justify spending time on it. But it brings me joy (sometimes) and clarity (sometimes) and if not, I can surely count on it bringing me a sense of accomplishment.

I’ve been reading Augusten Bourroughs’ Magical Thinking and I want to be like him. Well, not completely because his interesting stories come mostly from him being bipolar, gay, and addicted to drugs. But I admire his writing style. He describes his stories in a way that fully consumes the reader. He has an amazing mind for metaphors and he is shockingly honest when it comes to his own thoughts.  I am taking notes. Sometimes his stories appall or even sicken me, like his recount of brutally killing the small white mouse in his bathtub. But I read these stories with awe for his skill as a writer and an eye for the voice I want to find in my own writing.

It's a New Year

It's a new year, and I can't wait to escape to icy Denmark.  I know the next five or six months will present a slew of new tests for me but right now, I just see it as an adventure.  After a few weeks at home I am excited and a little relieved to escape to a new place.  I'm not restless exactly, I just feel like my bliss is not here at home, at least for now.  I'm not sure it is really home anymore anyways. I think my friends and loved ones are home now. Wherever they are. It is bittersweet to come to this realization.  It sets me adrift but it also keeps me from really longing to go back somewhere....I almost feel like a traveler whose house burned down in a freak accident.  There is nothing to go back to so I might as well move forward.  Who knew that would be a superior mindset for studying abroad?