Snapshot

I'm leaving Europe today and heading back to the States.  I'm saying goodbye to Mia in Gothenburg, Sweden and meeting up with my sister in Boston some 12 hours later.

I decided I'm taking europe with me (as if I can just make that decision) because saying goodbye is just too bitter sweet. At least, I'm taking the things I have learned and the experiences I have had and using them to bolster me in the weeks, months, years to come.

Study abroad has changed me. More appropriately, it has magnified the "me" that already existed.  It has opened my eyes to my passions and the way I want to live my life.  Someone I respect told me recently that study abroad helped him build on the things he already had inside him.  I think that is true for me too.  It has been a time of personal growth and self discovery but it does not build from nothing.  The beginnings, the foundations were there already.  Now I can only hope that this energy, vitality, passion, and positivity stays with me, rooted so deep into my being that it can never be taken away.

I'm taking a mental picture, a snapshot, of the confidence, strength, resilience, and excitement I feel right now and hope that I will always be able to carry these empowering feelings with me. I know there will be hard times ahead (the one year anniversary of my Dad's death is less than two months away), but at least I feel capable in this moment.  And when I don't feel as empowered, I have these memories and the friends I have made - along with a new found appreciation for the friends and family that I have missed so dearly - to bolster me.

I think this is as good a time as any to give a special shout out to everyone who has been there for me this year and a special thanks to everyone who has allowed me to be a guest in there home.  I am continually amazed and humbled by the amount of love that has been given to me and the amount of energy that has been spent on me in this last year...not to mention my entire life. It is this support that has given me the strength to keep exploring, keep smiling, keep loving life.  And it means the world to me.

In this moment, I couldn't be more excited for the next adventure.

Scrap-booking

At the moment I am sifting through pictures hand-picked from over 1000 I have taken this semester.  Somehow, I managed to narrow it down to 120.  It will be a challenge to compress this experience into 30 pages, but with these pictures in my hands, I already know it is worth attempting.  Just seeing these memories in tangible form - off the computer screen and printed onto glossy paper - is rewarding and exciting.

I realize I still have two weeks left of this experience but if I don't do this now - take the time to reflect while it is fresh in my mind - there is a good chance that so much of it will be lost.  I will always remember this experience as such an exciting and energizing period in my life but I want to make sure I remember the details - and be able to convey them as well as possible to my friends and family.  (While somehow refraining from repeating myself a thousand times and annoying everyone within a three mile radius!)

So, I am attempting to tell a story with each page I make, and trying not to get too exhausted by the cutting-room process :)

Birthday Sunshine!

It has been sunny here ever since my birthday! Apparently in Denmark if the sun shines on your birthday it means you must have been good all year...I'll take it :)  And it could not have come at a better time because Easter weekend was filled with two wonderful brunches.  Sunny skies meant we finally got to break out the cushions and quilts and lounge outside on the deck -  I promise you, it was just as wonderful as it sounds.

(note the danish birthday flag in the window behind Karina and Jesper)

Birthday brunch was amazing and I couldn't have asked for better new friends and family to share it with. I feel like I don't need words to describe the warmth and happiness of the afternoon so I'll just let the pictures do the talking.  I love these people and feel blessed to have crossed paths with all of them :)

 

Contrast

If there is one thing I have learned from Positive Psychology it is that flourishing - living with purpose and meaning in your life - does not always mean happiness.  Thriving does not always mean positive emotions -  though the two often coincide.  Sometimes what helps you thrive - like spending ten hours straight writing a glorious paper that makes you proud does not bring you feelings of joy WHILE creating it.  But the struggle, the pain, the misery almost makes the good that much sweeter.  I'm not talking about writing papers anymore.

Appreciation of the good is stimulated by an awareness of the bad.  It is a sad truth of life.  We could not appreciate the good without contrast.  And that is why the hardships of our lives should be accepted, even appreciated as wholeheartedly as the beautiful moments.  As I sit here by my snowy windowsill in Denmark I would like to take this moment to appreciate the bad that has opened my eyes to the good, the pain that has made me feel pleasure even more strongly:  Thank you cold for making me appreciate the warmth. Thank you snow for making me appreciate the clear skys and green soccer fields that I was taking for granted.  Thank you loss for teaching me what it really means to have something worth cherishing.

Thank you bitter, for making the sweet sweeter. 

100% Preventable, My Ass

On Tuesday, My Psychology of Crisis teacher began our lecture on Suicide.  There was a slide up for quite a while that said "Suicide is 100% Preventable."  Ten minutes after class I was standing on the curb sobbing into my friends shoulder.  I couldn't help thinking that if my dad had had access to the sort of crisis prevention plans she was referencing, he might still be alive.  I also couldn't help thinking that suicide can be 0% preventable if the person in question doesn't want to live.  At some point, the issue is just out of our hands - it is hard to accept, but that is what I am trying to do in my own life.  This lecture was obviously not meant for the grief and healing process of family members "left behind."  And that is ok, I know my teacher did not mean to place blame.  At the same time, I do realize that there is so much to be learned and so much to be done to help those struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.  That is really what I am hoping positive psychology will help me discover.

At the end of the day, I firmly believe that living is an individual choice that everyone has the right to choose (or not choose) for themselves...my goal is to help everyone see and find more beauty and meaning in their lives so (in the most severe cases) they do not resort to suicide as an option.  I feel this so strongly that it is almost calling me, pulling me to action.

Sometimes, the raw edges around the wound in my heart seem to catch and I feel a searing pain or, at times, a dull ache.  At moments like this, I am comforted by the idea that my life is no longer my own, but destined for the greater purpose of helping others...

Sharing

On thursday, I left for a short study tour to western Denmark with my Core class.  It's hard to choose which activities were most memorable.  The entire trip was a 3-day condensed bonding and learning experience.  We had two speakers a day for 2-3 hours each explaining how they apply positive psychology in their specific field.  At the very end of the trip, we visited an alternative business school called Kaos Pilots (KP for short).   After lighting candles in the middle of our circle of chairs, our speaker lead us through a number of personal goal setting and team building exercises.  It sounds kind of corny, but the atmosphere was warm and inviting and felt like such a safe place to share.  She introduced a special "check in" activity to us where everyone can share things that are on their mind and might be distracting them or that they just need the group to understand in order to better interact with them. I can see this an an important step in a business setting although it very rarely happens.  So rare in fact, that I knew I had to take this opportunity to share my Dad's story.  Evan asked me later why I felt compelled to share and I honestly didn't have an answer - but once I thought about going through with it I knew there was no backing out.  What happened was kind of an amazing thing, I simply told my class that my dad had killed himself this summer. I asked them before hand to just listen and feel no need to comment.  I think hearing about dad's story helped our group be vulnerable together and brought us closer.  A couple people have reached out to me to tell me something along those lines.  I don't really know what possessed me, it was nerve racking before sharing but after it was over, the burden felt lighter - almost like every time I talk about it, it gets easier to digest.  But I didn't do it to "lighten my burden" I think I did it because it was the truth and it was worth sharing.

Tak for Familie!

All I can say is THANK YOU Mom and Dad for teaching me how to ride a bike.  I am forever in debt for the countless hours it must have taken, finagling and encouraging.  I biked to my practicum for the first time yesterday and I can’t tell you how empowering and energizing it was to use my own legs to propel myself to my destination.  Walking is wonderful too but this is so much faster and a realistic alternative to a car! I had one of those experiences where you wonder how you could have gone so long without living your life this way.  I might wait a while before taking my bike the whole way to school (45 minute bike ride) but once the weather warms up a little bit, I am so excited to try it.  I’m still not playing soccer so this is a nice way to weave a little exercise into my day.  I also just acquired a helmet from my host family so that makes me feel a lot more comfortable branching farther out with my biking excursions.

In terms of soccer, I am very excited to see some Denmark professional league games while I’m here.  Their season starts in March so I am looking forward to that.  It is my hope that I will be back on the turf by then too.  There is a DIS club team that I can play on and my host brother and Dad are very competitive as well.  I am definitely planning on easing myself back into it slowly…My host dad Jesper and I have agreed to a 1v1 play-off later in the spring where the loser pays for dinner.  He is extremely competitive (but also old!) so I am hopeful that I have a chance.  At the very least it will be great motivation to get back on the turf…not that I need any!! All I want to do is be back out there.  In the mean time, I am making the most of the free time I have by exploring the city on foot with friends.  Not a rigorous workout, but very enjoyable.   Some of the conversations I have walking randomly through the city are some of the most memorable moments I have had so far.

Last Sunday, we had an amazing brunch for Andreas’ 14^th birthday.  It was so nice to meet Jespers’ brother Lars and his husband of five years.  I also got to meet Karina’s mother and spend more time with their close family friends.  The food was so good, although I probably would have been able to appreciate it more if I hadn’t been sick. After a couple rounds of leftovers, coffee, wine, and shots of hard alcohol (at one in the afternoon) I took some time to do homework and the kids ran off to play.  The adults proceeded to spend the entire afternoon chatting.  I came and went – vacillating between fascination at listening to conversations in another language and taking breaks to read up on interesting positive psychology studies.  It was such a cozy way to spend the afternoon and I felt like I got such a good look into a Danish birthday tradition.  I can't tell you how lucky I feel to be living with this family.  I feel so included in everything they do.  I feel especially close to Jesper for his sarcastic sense of humor and honesty. I have been able to talk openly with both Karina and Jesper and I really feel like they are a great support system for me right now.  I don't know what I was expecting exactly, but I certainly got more than I ever bargained for.