Strangers

The concept of being a stranger - it bothers me.

There are so many people that I pass every day that I will never know.
That will never know me.
So many hearts and minds that will remain foreign, mysterious,

locked up.

Or maybe, too vaporous to access, to hold.
Too intangible -
slipping right through my fingers.

The girl with the brilliant
green eyes, pink strand of hair -
my never friend.

But we are not strangers to each other.
Really, we know each other better than we think -
are not so very different she and I:

We both have a mother, father,
dreams, aspirations, fears,
loves, joys, dislikes:

She likes her coffee sweet,
I like mine milky.

She wants to be an architect -
draws urban plans on her inner arm.
I want to heal the world -
keep tweaking my concoction
of healing elixir;
dropping in new additions
as I learn them.

Her dad left when she was five -
no letter.
My dad when I was twenty -
just one.
But letter or none -
it's never enough.

We could compare battle scars -
wounds from our lives lived fully,
lived with an overpowering insatiable hunger;
a desire to do, to connect,
to hear, see,
be heard, be seen.

But they are one in the same - the scars -
you can't compare them.
They are indistinguishable, inseparable -
part of a greater tapestry of human suffering and resilience.

We are not strangers - we are the same.

Life Leaves Its Mark

As 2014 comes to a close, I find myself grappling with this idea, this feeling of being tarnished by life's experiences. When I look down at my hands, I see the scars on my knuckles from a bike accident I had over three years ago.  These scars remind me of the ways life leaves its mark.

There are times when I can't help feeling irreparably damaged by life's experiences.  Tarnished and worn in ways no polish can repair. I'm still trying to make peace with the ways I have become worn and tarnished by the elements. I'm still trying to forgive myself for decisions I've made.    Maybe I'll never find a way to feel perfectly polished.  Would I even want to? If I could erase the marks that life has left on me? There are lessons and bits of wisdom that I now wear on my skin; in the crinkles around my eyes; in the stubborn set of my jaw; in my very bones. Maybe, the best we can do at times is treat ourselves with care; carry our scars with grace; move forward with vigor. Yes, I am different now -  my bones ache with the stories they hold. But I am fiercely proud of my scars and the lessons that come with them - the hard earned wisdom.  Like waves eroding a sandstone cliff, the change is beautiful. It comes at a cost but it has made me resilient and strong and grateful.

Maybe this pummeling is life's polish even if it doesn't feel that way.  Stripping away layers in rough, uneven patches to uncover what is vital underneath.

Snapshot

I'm leaving Europe today and heading back to the States.  I'm saying goodbye to Mia in Gothenburg, Sweden and meeting up with my sister in Boston some 12 hours later.

I decided I'm taking europe with me (as if I can just make that decision) because saying goodbye is just too bitter sweet. At least, I'm taking the things I have learned and the experiences I have had and using them to bolster me in the weeks, months, years to come.

Study abroad has changed me. More appropriately, it has magnified the "me" that already existed.  It has opened my eyes to my passions and the way I want to live my life.  Someone I respect told me recently that study abroad helped him build on the things he already had inside him.  I think that is true for me too.  It has been a time of personal growth and self discovery but it does not build from nothing.  The beginnings, the foundations were there already.  Now I can only hope that this energy, vitality, passion, and positivity stays with me, rooted so deep into my being that it can never be taken away.

I'm taking a mental picture, a snapshot, of the confidence, strength, resilience, and excitement I feel right now and hope that I will always be able to carry these empowering feelings with me. I know there will be hard times ahead (the one year anniversary of my Dad's death is less than two months away), but at least I feel capable in this moment.  And when I don't feel as empowered, I have these memories and the friends I have made - along with a new found appreciation for the friends and family that I have missed so dearly - to bolster me.

I think this is as good a time as any to give a special shout out to everyone who has been there for me this year and a special thanks to everyone who has allowed me to be a guest in there home.  I am continually amazed and humbled by the amount of love that has been given to me and the amount of energy that has been spent on me in this last year...not to mention my entire life. It is this support that has given me the strength to keep exploring, keep smiling, keep loving life.  And it means the world to me.

In this moment, I couldn't be more excited for the next adventure.

Scrap-booking

At the moment I am sifting through pictures hand-picked from over 1000 I have taken this semester.  Somehow, I managed to narrow it down to 120.  It will be a challenge to compress this experience into 30 pages, but with these pictures in my hands, I already know it is worth attempting.  Just seeing these memories in tangible form - off the computer screen and printed onto glossy paper - is rewarding and exciting.

I realize I still have two weeks left of this experience but if I don't do this now - take the time to reflect while it is fresh in my mind - there is a good chance that so much of it will be lost.  I will always remember this experience as such an exciting and energizing period in my life but I want to make sure I remember the details - and be able to convey them as well as possible to my friends and family.  (While somehow refraining from repeating myself a thousand times and annoying everyone within a three mile radius!)

So, I am attempting to tell a story with each page I make, and trying not to get too exhausted by the cutting-room process :)

Birthday Sunshine!

It has been sunny here ever since my birthday! Apparently in Denmark if the sun shines on your birthday it means you must have been good all year...I'll take it :)  And it could not have come at a better time because Easter weekend was filled with two wonderful brunches.  Sunny skies meant we finally got to break out the cushions and quilts and lounge outside on the deck -  I promise you, it was just as wonderful as it sounds.

(note the danish birthday flag in the window behind Karina and Jesper)

Birthday brunch was amazing and I couldn't have asked for better new friends and family to share it with. I feel like I don't need words to describe the warmth and happiness of the afternoon so I'll just let the pictures do the talking.  I love these people and feel blessed to have crossed paths with all of them :)

 

Contrast

If there is one thing I have learned from Positive Psychology it is that flourishing - living with purpose and meaning in your life - does not always mean happiness.  Thriving does not always mean positive emotions -  though the two often coincide.  Sometimes what helps you thrive - like spending ten hours straight writing a glorious paper that makes you proud does not bring you feelings of joy WHILE creating it.  But the struggle, the pain, the misery almost makes the good that much sweeter.  I'm not talking about writing papers anymore.

Appreciation of the good is stimulated by an awareness of the bad.  It is a sad truth of life.  We could not appreciate the good without contrast.  And that is why the hardships of our lives should be accepted, even appreciated as wholeheartedly as the beautiful moments.  As I sit here by my snowy windowsill in Denmark I would like to take this moment to appreciate the bad that has opened my eyes to the good, the pain that has made me feel pleasure even more strongly:  Thank you cold for making me appreciate the warmth. Thank you snow for making me appreciate the clear skys and green soccer fields that I was taking for granted.  Thank you loss for teaching me what it really means to have something worth cherishing.

Thank you bitter, for making the sweet sweeter. 

100% Preventable, My Ass

On Tuesday, My Psychology of Crisis teacher began our lecture on Suicide.  There was a slide up for quite a while that said "Suicide is 100% Preventable."  Ten minutes after class I was standing on the curb sobbing into my friends shoulder.  I couldn't help thinking that if my dad had had access to the sort of crisis prevention plans she was referencing, he might still be alive.  I also couldn't help thinking that suicide can be 0% preventable if the person in question doesn't want to live.  At some point, the issue is just out of our hands - it is hard to accept, but that is what I am trying to do in my own life.  This lecture was obviously not meant for the grief and healing process of family members "left behind."  And that is ok, I know my teacher did not mean to place blame.  At the same time, I do realize that there is so much to be learned and so much to be done to help those struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.  That is really what I am hoping positive psychology will help me discover.

At the end of the day, I firmly believe that living is an individual choice that everyone has the right to choose (or not choose) for themselves...my goal is to help everyone see and find more beauty and meaning in their lives so (in the most severe cases) they do not resort to suicide as an option.  I feel this so strongly that it is almost calling me, pulling me to action.

Sometimes, the raw edges around the wound in my heart seem to catch and I feel a searing pain or, at times, a dull ache.  At moments like this, I am comforted by the idea that my life is no longer my own, but destined for the greater purpose of helping others...