I've spent the last week living and working on a Modern Monastery in Vermont and yesterday, I tasted sunshine for the first time.
In this beautiful natural setting, away from the hustle and bustle of Philadelphia and the consistent deadlines of a masters program, I feel like I am reawakening to the experience of being alive. This feeling of being more fully alive and aware of the present moment has revealed itself in small ways like really tasting the (distinctly sunshine-y) flavor of tender greens or being far more aware of my thoughts and emotions as they pass through my body. It is as terrifying as it is exciting because it's revealing how numb I've been for so long.
I am becoming more aware of my internal thinking, feeling, and seeing here. I am noticing that often love and care come to me as both thoughts and feelings. I am noticing that humor comes to me as a thought: "that's funny" and as a feeling of amusement bubbling up from my belly. But the truly joyful sense has been internal "seeing." Ideas bubbling to the surface of my mind as images, pictures, abstract concepts, metaphors, ideas. I didn't realize how rare and precious this form of thinking was. They come during moments of inspiration, joy, curiosity, excitement and yes, sometimes sadness. When I am imagining an acquaintance as they must have been as a child or trying to understand how the experience of eating hits my body I feel full after a time and I think how lucky I am to have food (or I think this soup could use a little more salt) but then there are moments when I see the flavor of a juicy piece of cantaloupe or a tender leafy greens in my mind's eye. I can see the delicate flavor of sunshine or sweetness as a burst of light or an abstract image. A visual idea.
Dichotomies abound here. I am currently typing on my computer and have the freedom to use my cell phone to call friends and family. It feels weird to have these amenities and reminders of the modern world in this place dedicated to presence and practice - and healing, learning, truth, goodness, love. But what I deeply respect about the Center for Mindful Learning is its ability to conform to the modern world without losing the intention of awakening and responsibility. We begin and end the day with two hours of meditation and chanting. We eat breakfast in mindful silence. We support each other in the joys and sorrows of trying to be more fully awake - and alive, caring, loving, intentional, aware, present. We ask each other and ourselves: are you breathing? Feel your breath. Breathe deep into your belly. What is your body feeling? What is your mind thinking? Are your thoughts words or pictures? As you sit in front of your computer screen or your cell phone, where is your mind? When you are eating breakfast where is your mind? What are you seeing, feeling, thinking inside and outside? Is there something beyond looking in and looking out? How can you sense a place between and beyond inside and outside of the body if you can not perceive of it with the human senses? Hmm.
It is so fascinating to look closer at the daily, moment to moment experience of being human. And damn, am I realizing how numb I've been for so long.
These are some things that have come up for me lately:
I miss my Dad.
I am scared when I think about the future.
I feel regret, shame, embarrassment, disappointment, sorrow when I think about the past.
No wonder my unconscious mind and body have tried to protect me from these sensations.
I also feel a great deal of joy and humor - more than I realized was inside me. It bubbles up like a natural spring and I am so grateful to feel this - as grateful as I am to feel the darker sensations of being human.
It fascinates me to notice how I have denied the needs and messages of my own loving body. Hello there body, thank you for working so hard - I am listening, looking, feeling - I am paying attention to the present moment. I am grateful for this awareness. So grateful for the challenge of uncomfortable truth as it presents itself in various forms of longing, clinging, desiring. Seeing these experiences - this suffering - as a gift, deploying curiosity and awareness as tools to understand and explore the important messages and information coming in and out through the body - I am excited (and apprehensive) to see what I learn next.
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| Thank you to Miles and Peter for getting me out here! |
I am becoming more aware of my internal thinking, feeling, and seeing here. I am noticing that often love and care come to me as both thoughts and feelings. I am noticing that humor comes to me as a thought: "that's funny" and as a feeling of amusement bubbling up from my belly. But the truly joyful sense has been internal "seeing." Ideas bubbling to the surface of my mind as images, pictures, abstract concepts, metaphors, ideas. I didn't realize how rare and precious this form of thinking was. They come during moments of inspiration, joy, curiosity, excitement and yes, sometimes sadness. When I am imagining an acquaintance as they must have been as a child or trying to understand how the experience of eating hits my body I feel full after a time and I think how lucky I am to have food (or I think this soup could use a little more salt) but then there are moments when I see the flavor of a juicy piece of cantaloupe or a tender leafy greens in my mind's eye. I can see the delicate flavor of sunshine or sweetness as a burst of light or an abstract image. A visual idea.
Dichotomies abound here. I am currently typing on my computer and have the freedom to use my cell phone to call friends and family. It feels weird to have these amenities and reminders of the modern world in this place dedicated to presence and practice - and healing, learning, truth, goodness, love. But what I deeply respect about the Center for Mindful Learning is its ability to conform to the modern world without losing the intention of awakening and responsibility. We begin and end the day with two hours of meditation and chanting. We eat breakfast in mindful silence. We support each other in the joys and sorrows of trying to be more fully awake - and alive, caring, loving, intentional, aware, present. We ask each other and ourselves: are you breathing? Feel your breath. Breathe deep into your belly. What is your body feeling? What is your mind thinking? Are your thoughts words or pictures? As you sit in front of your computer screen or your cell phone, where is your mind? When you are eating breakfast where is your mind? What are you seeing, feeling, thinking inside and outside? Is there something beyond looking in and looking out? How can you sense a place between and beyond inside and outside of the body if you can not perceive of it with the human senses? Hmm.
It is so fascinating to look closer at the daily, moment to moment experience of being human. And damn, am I realizing how numb I've been for so long.
These are some things that have come up for me lately:
I miss my Dad.
I am scared when I think about the future.
I feel regret, shame, embarrassment, disappointment, sorrow when I think about the past.
No wonder my unconscious mind and body have tried to protect me from these sensations.
I also feel a great deal of joy and humor - more than I realized was inside me. It bubbles up like a natural spring and I am so grateful to feel this - as grateful as I am to feel the darker sensations of being human.
It fascinates me to notice how I have denied the needs and messages of my own loving body. Hello there body, thank you for working so hard - I am listening, looking, feeling - I am paying attention to the present moment. I am grateful for this awareness. So grateful for the challenge of uncomfortable truth as it presents itself in various forms of longing, clinging, desiring. Seeing these experiences - this suffering - as a gift, deploying curiosity and awareness as tools to understand and explore the important messages and information coming in and out through the body - I am excited (and apprehensive) to see what I learn next.
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| A bonfire and some authentic circling near the lake |
