What is more powerful: good advice or a good question?
When I was a sophomore in college, and my father was deeply entrenched in a drug addiction I knew very little about, I started getting headaches. I went to the doctor to try to figure out what was going on - was I iron deficient, vitamin D deficient, under too much stress? The doctor asked me a number of questions about my daily routine, my eating habits, my level of stress and then, seemingly out of the blue, he asked me "how is your relationship with your dad?"
He had somehow stumbled upon the right question.
My reaction was intense and immediate. "Not good" I choked. I began to tear up as we discussed my sadness and frustration about how disconnected I felt from my dad. By the end of the appointment, I had a "prescription" to send my dad a letter - sharing my life with him on my terms. I don't remember if my headaches went away immediately, but I do remember the tension subsiding from pinpointing the source of my stress and discomfort.
So how had my doctor known to ask the right question?
He made an informed guess.
I'm realizing now, years later, just how powerful a guess can be. And how powerful it is when we are willing to be wrong.
I recently spent a week volunteering at a non-violent communication camp on Vashon Island, Washington and one of my favorite lessons of camp was the value of an empathy guess. To paint a picture of this magical place: families come together for one week each summer to learn to be more courageous and loving with their words. The farm that we stay on is grassy and warm, the blackberries are ripe and abundant, and if you choose you can set up your tent in the apple orchard in the shade of a ripe apple tree. Meals are communal, time is more flexible and held by the ringing of a gong, and every offering is optional - even children are in choice about their day. In this environment of intentional empathy, openness, and courage, transformational things can and do occur for individuals and groups.
An example of an empathy guess might look like this: "Are you feeling ____ because you need ____?" Simple. It doesn't have to be this formulaic but the results can be profound. I have often worried that guessing at what someone was feeling might make them feel misunderstood or frustrated. I'm finding that it is more likely to show that person that you care. And when you finally get it right the relief can be immediate.
My favorite analogy for the empathy guess is that of scratching a friend's back. You might ask "is that right?" and they might reply "no, just a little to the left." "How about now?" and perhaps they respond "a little further down." When you finally find the itch and scratch it the relief will be immediate for that person! And the effort you put into finding the right spot will not be resented in any way...you are working together to understand the need and help it get met!
So to answer the initial question, good advice can be useful but good questions can be transformative. Asking a poignant question instead of suggesting, judging, coddling, or sharing one's on experience can allow an individual to explore their inner self in new and profound ways. What is alive in you? What do you care about? What could make life more enjoyable right now? These are the main questions of NVC. Better than any advice I have ever received, I am grateful for the poignant questions that have encouraged exploration and growth.
When I was a sophomore in college, and my father was deeply entrenched in a drug addiction I knew very little about, I started getting headaches. I went to the doctor to try to figure out what was going on - was I iron deficient, vitamin D deficient, under too much stress? The doctor asked me a number of questions about my daily routine, my eating habits, my level of stress and then, seemingly out of the blue, he asked me "how is your relationship with your dad?"
He had somehow stumbled upon the right question.
My reaction was intense and immediate. "Not good" I choked. I began to tear up as we discussed my sadness and frustration about how disconnected I felt from my dad. By the end of the appointment, I had a "prescription" to send my dad a letter - sharing my life with him on my terms. I don't remember if my headaches went away immediately, but I do remember the tension subsiding from pinpointing the source of my stress and discomfort.
So how had my doctor known to ask the right question?
He made an informed guess.
I'm realizing now, years later, just how powerful a guess can be. And how powerful it is when we are willing to be wrong.
I recently spent a week volunteering at a non-violent communication camp on Vashon Island, Washington and one of my favorite lessons of camp was the value of an empathy guess. To paint a picture of this magical place: families come together for one week each summer to learn to be more courageous and loving with their words. The farm that we stay on is grassy and warm, the blackberries are ripe and abundant, and if you choose you can set up your tent in the apple orchard in the shade of a ripe apple tree. Meals are communal, time is more flexible and held by the ringing of a gong, and every offering is optional - even children are in choice about their day. In this environment of intentional empathy, openness, and courage, transformational things can and do occur for individuals and groups.
An example of an empathy guess might look like this: "Are you feeling ____ because you need ____?" Simple. It doesn't have to be this formulaic but the results can be profound. I have often worried that guessing at what someone was feeling might make them feel misunderstood or frustrated. I'm finding that it is more likely to show that person that you care. And when you finally get it right the relief can be immediate.My favorite analogy for the empathy guess is that of scratching a friend's back. You might ask "is that right?" and they might reply "no, just a little to the left." "How about now?" and perhaps they respond "a little further down." When you finally find the itch and scratch it the relief will be immediate for that person! And the effort you put into finding the right spot will not be resented in any way...you are working together to understand the need and help it get met!
So to answer the initial question, good advice can be useful but good questions can be transformative. Asking a poignant question instead of suggesting, judging, coddling, or sharing one's on experience can allow an individual to explore their inner self in new and profound ways. What is alive in you? What do you care about? What could make life more enjoyable right now? These are the main questions of NVC. Better than any advice I have ever received, I am grateful for the poignant questions that have encouraged exploration and growth.
Love, love, love this post, Rosie! And YOU! You are SUCH a gifted writer. Thanks for our blissful day on the Yuba River and our road trip home.
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